"When I was a little girl, I stumbled through a wardrobe into another world. And they made me a queen, and my sister a queen, and our brothers kings, in the end. We were very good rulers."
There's no shame in saying this, because she knows it to be true.
"I was twenty-five years old when we left. Back to England, back to the wardrobe. Back to being ten years old. And I thought my heart would break, to leave the life I'd have, to leave the self I was, behind.
"I went back, though. Twice more. The last time--the last time, I fell into a painting of a ship, with my cousin and brother. Fell into the water, and for a moment, I thought for certain I'd drown. You can only swim so long."
She looks down at the compass, and she considers, briefly, tossing it into the lake.
But she doesn't.
"But he dove in and pulled me out and to the ship. Caspian, I mean. And it was one of the most wonderful and painful times of my life. The sea--it was home, more than any other part of Narnia. He crowned me in its name, and I never happier than when I was on it, I think. I never hated being a little girl again so very much as I did on that ship, Jack. The thing is--the thing is, when he looked at me, I felt for a moment like he could see me the age I felt. And I wanted to stay. I would have traded away anything I had if they'd let me stay, because Caspian looked at me like I was more than a silly schoolgirl. One night when I was shaking from fear, he held me til I could sleep. And when I went up into a magician's house to break a spell--he was so utterly furious with me, Captain, he was so worried. For that, I would have given up anything. For his looks and his arms around me and his fury."
When Lucy talks, it's matter of fact, and her tone shifts from something that was a bit formal to something that's softer.
"But I wasn't allowed to. And I had to leave him, and--and now I'm not so certain that it was how things had to be, but it was how they were. I thought I'd never see him again, truthfully. As much as I wanted to. And then he was here, and in the end...it worked out. It's funny, but I'm still surprised by that." Her smile's very small. "The thing is--the thing is, there's nothing I want more than to be with him. And the thing is, there's nothing I want more than to leave. And the bloody needle's still spinning. And if it stops on the option that's not him--"
Lucy stops at that, but her chin is high as ever as she looks over at Jack.
no subject
There's no shame in saying this, because she knows it to be true.
"I was twenty-five years old when we left. Back to England, back to the wardrobe. Back to being ten years old. And I thought my heart would break, to leave the life I'd have, to leave the self I was, behind.
"I went back, though. Twice more. The last time--the last time, I fell into a painting of a ship, with my cousin and brother. Fell into the water, and for a moment, I thought for certain I'd drown. You can only swim so long."
She looks down at the compass, and she considers, briefly, tossing it into the lake.
But she doesn't.
"But he dove in and pulled me out and to the ship. Caspian, I mean. And it was one of the most wonderful and painful times of my life. The sea--it was home, more than any other part of Narnia. He crowned me in its name, and I never happier than when I was on it, I think. I never hated being a little girl again so very much as I did on that ship, Jack. The thing is--the thing is, when he looked at me, I felt for a moment like he could see me the age I felt. And I wanted to stay. I would have traded away anything I had if they'd let me stay, because Caspian looked at me like I was more than a silly schoolgirl. One night when I was shaking from fear, he held me til I could sleep. And when I went up into a magician's house to break a spell--he was so utterly furious with me, Captain, he was so worried. For that, I would have given up anything. For his looks and his arms around me and his fury."
When Lucy talks, it's matter of fact, and her tone shifts from something that was a bit formal to something that's softer.
"But I wasn't allowed to. And I had to leave him, and--and now I'm not so certain that it was how things had to be, but it was how they were. I thought I'd never see him again, truthfully. As much as I wanted to. And then he was here, and in the end...it worked out. It's funny, but I'm still surprised by that." Her smile's very small. "The thing is--the thing is, there's nothing I want more than to be with him. And the thing is, there's nothing I want more than to leave. And the bloody needle's still spinning. And if it stops on the option that's not him--"
Lucy stops at that, but her chin is high as ever as she looks over at Jack.