called_lioness | (no subject)

Everything is...not back to normal.

Because everything is different, now, so there may be something called normal, but it's not what was.

But she spoke with Edmund, and there are others she'll speak with, and she feels...she feels almost better. A little.

Except it's quiet in their room, and ever time she glances up from her book and sees Caspian her face goes bright red.

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From:

the_seafarer

Caspian's face has not stopped being red for...well, going on the last twenty minutes or so, at least. He's paying very strict attention to the ledger, making adjustments and notes and...

And not quite looking up at Lucy.

Still, it isn't the cool silence of their fights earlier, nor is it terribly heavy.

Only very, very, very awkward.

From:

called_lioness

She's gnawing at the nail of her thumb.

It's a bad habit, and she only, really, does it when she's something on her mind, and she's going to ruin the nail, she realizes with a sigh.

Bugger.

"Are we going to talk about it?" she asks, uncertainly, without quite looking up from her book. She's not sure if they should or just...

She doesn't know what else, really.

From:

the_seafarer

"Er."

He glances up from the ledger, and immediately blushes even brighter.

"I don't...really know what to say." One hand lifts, helplessly, and returns to the paper.

"...do you?"

From:

called_lioness

She doesn't look up at all as she says, "What, you mean beyond the fact that we've spent the last several days immitating a pair of rabbits, I've had you in--in my mouth, and now I can't look at you without going the color of an apple and it's getting rapidly more uncomfortable?"

It's blunter than she'd ever have been before, but she still wants that chocolate, even knowing she shouldn't touch if should she have the chance, and even if it makes her cheeks flame brighter, her tone is just tired.

She doesn't even know how she can or can't touch him right now, and she really, truly doesn't like it.

From:

the_seafarer

He winces, a little.

"That was never my intention. Lu--" But she's angry and frustrated and the best thing to do is not to stay where he is. He stands, and makes his way across the room to sit by her instead.

"None of that was...was wrong, you know."

From:

called_lioness

She shrugs, a little, and rests her chin on her fist.

"You're not looking at me without blushing," she points out, softly, and then says, "But we didn't do it before the candy, either, did we?"

From:

the_seafarer

"Not being wrong doesn't make it any less different," he says, and rubs at the back of his neck.

"None of it has to happen again, if that's what you'd rather."

From:

called_lioness

They don't talk about this, and she hates that they have to if she's ever going to be able to talk to him again about anything. And she hates that she's red, and she truly hates that she's muttering, "I didn't say that," as she fidgets. "Doesn't have to if you'd rather not, either."

"It's just that it's different," she admits in a quiet voice, using his word because it's true. "And it's--I don't know what the words I want are," Lucy finishes, frustrated.

"I--I shouldn't. I shouldn't want you to do what you did again, and I shouldn't want to do what I did for you again, and I never should have slept with you in a dressing room in Vegas and I shouldn't have enjoyed it so much. And just--it's different with you than it ever was with anyone else, and I do want to again."

From:

the_seafarer

"So do I."

His voice is gentle, and so is his hand when he reaches out for hers, because she is sad and he can't not touch her.

"I suppose--it's up to us, what we should, and shouldn't do. I shouldn't do anything that you wouldn't want, but that is all I know. We didn't--I never thought--"

He takes a breath.

"Before. I suppose I always thought we shouldn't, too."

From:

called_lioness

Lucy takes his hand and presses it to her cheek after a moment, because she can and it's a comfort.

"I didn't ask," and she's a little troubled. "If you wanted it. Before I did it, I mean."

Lucy takes a minute to think before she continues. "It's not--if Susan or Peter were asked on the matter, I think they'd find it wrong. Susan--we spoke of such things once--not with you and I," she adds, quickly, "but in general, and she thought it disgusting. And I--I've always tried to do what I thought was right, but with you--it's hard to find anything wrong when we do it. Because it's with you. And it felt so--"

Lucy stops and closes her eyes and doesn't open them when she continues. "I like it. I do want it. To give you and to receive. Because it's just--it's different, and in some ways it's better and in some ways it's not, but I can't explain because I've never told you what any of it feels like. But I don't know if it isn't wrong, and I don't know that if it isn't it makes it right. And I don't know if we should. I just--I forget, whether I should, with you. With Adam I remembered. With--with any of the others, as best as I know, I remembered. I always remembered. With you I forget or I can't figure it out." She hasn't opened her eyes, because it's easier to say without having to look at him.

"Why--why did you think we shouldn't?"

From:

the_seafarer

"Because--well, because--"

He frowns. It used to make sense, and then it didn't any longer (thanks to the hot chocolate), and now he remembers why it made sense, but isn't at all sure he believes it after all.

"No one ever told me about any of that, before," he ventures, and it's true enough.

He thinks that discussing what he and his first wife may or may not have done together will not help the situation at all.

Helpless, he shrugs a little. "I don't know, Lucy. I used to think I knew what was right and what was wrong, and now it's all been mixed up. I'm still not certain it's right, either, but...none of it felt wrong. At least not then."

From:

called_lioness

Well, it...would lead to interesting discussion if he did, but "helpful" may not be the word to describe it. Productive, possibly in some way, but helpful, no.

"Why is it that what I thought I knew, even about myself, I stop knowing around you?" she asks, ruefully, without really expecting an answer.

Besides, she has one already, if she thinks on it, anyway.

Lucy hasn't let go of his hand, and she shan't, because it's nice to just hold it, and it's something she knows is okay.

"We don't talk about this very well, do we?" is the next thing she asks, and it's with a small, faint smile before adding, quietly and quickly, --It didn't feel wrong to me. It felt a lot of things, but not wrong. Not then."

From:

the_seafarer

"It isn't anything I've ever expected to talk about, I think," he says, a little ruefully, but his fingers tighten in hers and they are warm and steady.

"Somehow in the midst of learning how to be a general and a dimplomat and how to reconcile the Telmarines with the Narnians, my tutors seem to have skipped that lesson."

From:

called_lioness

"We don't talk about what we do in bed no matter what it is very well," she points out mildly, "or much at all."

She was quite comfortable with that, really, it just seems to warrant saying.

"I obviously shouldn't have run off to the woods as often as I did. Mayhap this was covered a day I didn't attend to my lessons." She's smiling now, if only a little.

"What did it feel like?" Lucy asks quietly, after a moment. "If not wrong and not right." And if she thinks on it, there's a little fear that she can't quite squash, What do you think of me for doing it? that is nagging at her stomach.

From:

the_seafarer

He laughs a little, and his ears are a litte pink, but for now his blushing seems to be under control.

"What did it feel like? It felt...just...good, I suppose."

The problem is in trying to define it, he thinks. At the time, he hadn't been thinking in terms of what it felt like, or whether it was right to do. He'd been too busy just trying to keep breathing.

From:

called_lioness

She has to tease, a little, because it's comfortable. "Well, I'm glad of that, at least."

But she is, too, because--well, it's not as if she was worried about that, not really, but it's nice to hear.

"I just..." But she just shrugs, and really, he knows, because she told him. Or at least knows the part she was about to say, which is only, "I forget about shoulds around you more than I ought, and then when I remember I don't know if I've done something I shouldn't have".

"Good," is what Lucy says instead, softly. Considering his word and the way she feels about his statement both.

From:

the_seafarer

"Good," he echoes, again, because he isn't certain what else to say, and runs his free hand up into his hair.

"...do you really think it wrong?" It's uncertain, and he's uncertain, but at least the damned instability of mind from the chocolate has gone on its merry way.

From:

called_lioness

"I think I should," she answers honestly. "I think I should say it's not what good women or wives do for their husbands or want done to them."

But it's not what she thinks, as might be obvious by the fact that it's not what she's saying. "And I think--I think I rather badly want it, even if it is wrong," Lucy admits, resting her head on his shoulder because it's another way to avoid having to look at him as she says this, "and I think I don't know what I think." And she thinks she's still a little unnerved by how badly she wants Caspian as much as how badly she loves him.

"It felt good," she finishes, softly, and it's not anything's ever not felt good, but this--maybe it's because it is different, and that's not always bad.

From:

the_seafarer

His arm goes around her back and his rests his cheek on her hair, his chest moving up and down in a silent exhalation.

"I want to know who decides these rules," he says, and it's a little grumbled and a little teasing and a little wry, still.

He's almost certain that Bacchus, at least, would approve.

"I love you. I want to make you happy, to do what you want.

"At least if we're wrong, we're going about it together." The last is said with a bit of a grin.

From:

called_lioness

"I'm happy!" That's said simply with surprise. "I only--I am happy, it's just that some things still...feel better than others. But you know--you know, don't you, that there's nothing you could ask of me I wouldn't do to please you?" Because there's not. It doesn't matter what, if it makes his face the way it is in the moment before falling or flying. "You do know that, at least?"

She has to smile back and press a kiss to his hand. Because she loves him, but that doesn't make it less serious, not really.

"Do you mind risking being wrong about this? Because mayhap the rules are silly, Caspian, or arbitrary, but they're there. And you and I--"

From:

the_seafarer

"You and I are wedded," he says, gently, but his voice is firm. "And what we do in our bed is our business and ours alone. We get to decide this, Lucy--no one else. And besides--"

He leans away far enough to grin down at her.

"It isn't as though you and I haven't risked being wrong before, is it?"

From:

called_lioness

"No," she allows, softly, and bites at her nails again.

"But it...feels as if we almost always do that. Ignore what may be a rule and risk being wrong for what we like."

From:

the_seafarer

"Do we so often make the wrong choices?"

He isn't accusing, only curious. It isn't a way he's thought of their lives before, and it's rather uncomfortable to look back on his life with such a perspective.

From:

called_lioness

"I don't know." She sighs, after a moment, and looks at his hand in hers.

"It's hard for me sometimes. If I think about it. Because we don't--I know Aslan would not judge." She doesn't want to think about that too closely, just because it will hurt her brain if she does, but she still knows it. "But we don't--you were right to stop me by the lake," she says after stopping for just a moment. "Because I would have tried to do more than kiss you by half, as you thought, and it...worries me that I would have liked it so much. I don't know." She shrugs a little.

"I don't feel very--when we risk being wrong, I don't feel very queenly and it troubles me what I do feel."

From:

the_seafarer

"We needn't, you know."

And it isn't even hard to offer--of all the things that might be good or right or wrong, there is always something else, and the important part is that it is Lucy he is with.

"Perhaps it isn't right or wrong, but if it troubles you, then we shan't try it. That, at least is wrong."